It was a hot summer day and Frank, a 12 year boy, and was walking to the beach with his friend Bob who is also 12 years old too. It was a very hot day with the hot sun shining down on his face. Frank's mum told him to bring a sun hat but he didn’t and he was regretting it. They knew that they were close to the beach because they could smell salty water.
Their feet touched the hot sand and they ran to the water to cool their feet off. Frank and Bob took their top off and ran into the water. Splashing each other with water and swimming as far as they can. But Frank was shorter than Bob so he couldn’t swim as far as him. They were having a blast.
The sky turned a little gray. But they didn’t care. Something started swimming around with them. First Bob felt it by his feet but he just thought it was seaweed, But Frank didn’t think it was. Frank ran out of the water and Bob was wondering why he did that. Suddenly Frank started saying “get out of there Bob”!
But Bob didn’t hear what he said. He looked like he was those things that bob up and down in the water. But he just went down. He got sucked under the water and never came out.
Frank sat there for 10 minutes looking at the water. He didn’t care that the sand was so hot, but his bum got a little red after that. Frank didn’t have a phone because he acted like a 5 year old boy but that day I think he needed one.
From that day no one goes to that beach. But Frank still goes to his friend's grave every week on Saturday and puts some red flowers and talks to Bob for a few minutes. Frank thinks about him all the time and thinks of what he could have done.
Kia ora Danielle,
ReplyDeleteI like the way your writing has a clear storyline, well structured paragraphs, and included a big event. To improve your writing next time, try challenge yourself to add more descriptive words for how the person felt, what they could hear, see, and feel. I really like your use of simile, "He looked like he was those things that bob up and down in the water" it is called a buoy.
I think what you have described is everybody's worst fear when going to the beach (I know I get spooked when things brush up against me in the ocean).
What was your inspiration for this story?
From Ashleigh Stevenson
Hi Danielle
ReplyDeleteI really like the ending of your story. I feel sorry for bob Though. did he get caught in a rip? I liked the detail that you added. What was your inspiration for this story?
Hi Danielle
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story but I think you could've improved it with a little more description, for example maybe describing the beach or what the boys look like.
I think it is good the way it is. OK.
Deletehi Danielle i like your story
ReplyDelete